Day 67 – Checking in

I wish I could say things are getting easier, but they aren’t. I’m trying and wont stop treading water.

Stress eating is still one of my biggest challenges I’m facing. The one day taste of summer we had a week or so again also didn’t help my frame of mind. It reminded me that I’m still uncomfortable in my own body and the upcoming summer season, requiring less clothing is not high on my “feel good scale’.

I’ve found myself once again late night googling how people with Hashimotos loose weight. Wanting to starve myself between tiny meals and being unreasonable about what my expectations should be. I even started looking at Weight Watchers again.

I’m so torn most days about weight loss and body love. I know that I should LOVE my body – it’s strong, it’s carried two huge babies and carries me through each and every day without fail. But in the same breath that I write that and know that, I still cant stop myself from comparing my body to other peoples. Wanting to look like them, be thin like them. Or to the other thought process – I see the girls like me that just give zero fucks about what everyone else thinks or feels and just lives their best lives. How do you get there? Where you stop comparing yourself to everyone else and just live your very best life in the body you have right now.

I really feel like I need to make a shift. If I don’t I’m going to easily fall into a depression. Some days I feel like I’m walking the line. The last month has been a thought one, filled with all sorts of emotions. We’ve had some major changes within our home and they’ve had me running the range from sad to angry to worried to happy. So freaking weird. I’ve also seen myself shut down into full preservation mode. Where I just stopped talking to anyone outside my house and focused only on what feeds my soul. I organized my garden area in the garage, planted my garden, shaped up my plants and painted my plant stands. I felt accomplished when I was done and I liked it. I listened to my podcasts and got dirty in the yard. It’s what I needed that day to recharge myself. No one in my house deserves me and my attitude when my tank is empty and it was running on fumes.

I keep threatening to start meditating. I think I really should start doing that. It wouldn’t hurt to see if that helps to recharge my tank daily rather that just filling it with food like I’ve been doing for a while.

I also need to continue to push myself to workout each day – even if that workout is yoga, because the endorphin boost is what I need each day – it’s just convincing my body to roll out of bed and throw on the workout clothes. Once they’re on, I know I’ll do the workout. The bonus for getting it done before the kids wake up is that I tend to have a little more patience for distance learning.

As usual, thanks for letting me vent. Today I’m going to come up with a plan of action because I need a change, a shift in focus.

XOXO,

Jenn

Day Nineteen – Feeling Better

Day 19 I felt like I was back in the groove.

I had a dentist appointment scheduled for after school drop offs so I did wake up with an anxiety attack. I find a visit to the dentist stressful, I’m always worried that I have another cavity or tooth problem they’re going to find and that of course means big money flying out of my wallet. We don’t have dental insurance, so we pay out of pocket for everything each time we go. Not to mention who wants to have any kind of dental work! Fortunately I got the all clear, so that made me feel better.

After getting home from my appointment I threw on my workout gear and did Morning Meltdown cardio and then out to the garage I went to do tabata trampoline. I’m in the last 20 days of Morning Meltdown, I really like this program. The layout of having 10 different workouts that rotate and change keeps you from getting bored.

Doing a hardcore cardio session seems to help keep my overeating at bay too. I do need to find a balance of what keeps my body nourished after pushing my body like that. I’m determined to find something that works all the way around.

I have a light schedule for Friday so I’ll spend some time putting my office back together. I spilled a whole cup of coffee on my desk Wednesday- I cleaned up the coffee but haven’t had a chance to put everything back where it goes. Not to mention over the last week I dumped a bunch of stuff on my desk to “be put away”. I need the space clear to work on my Etsy stuff tomorrow.

Today’s gratitude-staying focused when I have back to back appointments and meetings.

XOXO

Day Seventeen … getting tired of these yet?

Y’all tired of reading about my boring days yet? Well. Today’s post is about some of the usual and then some of the gym thoughts I have.

I started the day with getting both kiddos off to school then I head over to the gym to try out a new Barre class they’re offering. I liked it, it was definitely challenging. My friend Kristin came to try it out today too.

It was a good burn for all the balance, weights and core we did. No complaints there.

A slower pace gave me a chance to kinda observe the room and get all in my head. I’m about to be super honest and vulnerable here. I don’t usually have time for all that self observation and negative self talk with the other workouts. I always hide in the back and try to position myself where I can’t see myself in the mirror. I’ve talked about this before – how I look to myself when I look down vs what the mirror shows me are two entirely different things. I’m far more confident in myself without the reflection! Does anyone else feel this way when they’re at the gym? I get hyper critical of myself and start picking apart how different I am from everyone else. I know I shouldn’t. I try and remind myself that I’m just as worthy to be there and I hustle through the workouts just like anyone else. I have “big girl” complex though. Every time. I hate that about myself. This is where my headspace was at today.

This. This is everything.

I really just need to stay focused on what I’m doing in my lane and never mind what’s happening over there.

Thanks for reading my babble. It feels good to write it out. Put it out there so it’s not taking up mental space anymore.

Today’s gratitude – pushing through and doing things no matter how tired I think I am. I did all my commitments today.

XOXO

Day Eight

Day eight was restful.

I slept in again then went down to the basement and did the triple workout I promised myself. I’m still fighting some sort of a cold so those workouts were challenging to say the least. I finished up then get ready for the day. I planned on doing some more wood burning and the laundry once Al and James got home from their camping trip.

Well. My body had other plans. I don’t know if it was the combination of the workouts and the cold but I had to lay down. It was that kind of moment where your body was like – ummmm lay day now or I’m going to just quit on you. It felt urgent. So I listened and laid down on the couch for a few minutes. I got up after about 10 minutes and realized this was a remove your contacts and get a blanket kind of lay down because you’re going to be here for a while. I was. Three hour nap is what my body needed. I got up around dinner time and made some dinner for the family. If I was here alone I can assure you I would have just skipped dinner and went to bed.

After dinner did a few things then got the kids ready for bed – then hopped into bed myself. So overall on the scale of productive, I wasn’t. But I did take care of my body today and listened to what is was asking from me.

This next week I’m going to try to be a little more mindful of my eating-I’m still not cutting any food from my diet. I really need to drink more water too. I know I’m not drinking enough.

Day Eight Gratitude: That my kids are old enough where I can nap and they know enough to wake me if they need something. (Which they never do thanks to Xbox. Lol)

XOXO