Back Again? Maybe?

I’m back, I think. I don’t even know for sure. I think I’d like to be. It seems like a recap on what’s new since my last post would be in order to start, right?

In the early fall we took some family day trips to get out of the house and enjoy the fall air. My kids both continued remote learning (our choice) so it was nice to get them out of the house to do something!

Around mid October I began walking with a neighbor (turned friend) every morning at 4:30am. I figured it get’s me up and out bright and early – allowing me to have some quiet time when I get back because everyone is sleeping. Me only time is nearly non-existent with COVID, the boys being here and my niece living with us. Someone is always around! Yes I know it could be worse, but I miss my quiet time – blame it on being an only child. I signed up for some more YESFIT Challenges and completed a few since I began.

For 2021, I’m participating in YESFIT’s The Great American Adventure where you see how many mile you can wrack up over the year. Which I thought was a fun idea. They sent a cute t-shirt and water bottle to get you motivated – the tee is a little tight right now…sigh. Below are my January & February mileage totals. Not too bad considering its winter in New England! We’ve never skipped a weekday walk – some days doing a double when we knew we’d face weather issues. We’ve dealt with sub zero temperatures, unexpected snow fall totals or active snow, serious icing and insane winds. We laughed our way through and chalked it up to pure craziness. We’re impatiently waiting on milder temperatures to walk in again! Humidity even sounds awesome right about now.

I guess we’ll shift to my weight loss journey…which has been a weight gain journey instead. I am at an all time high right now of about 234. My body hates it and my mind hates it more. I know I’ve been coping with a lot of stress and eating has been my go to during this whole time. With my niece preparing for her deployment to Basic Training and her needing to lose weight to make sure they take her – it was an absolute mind f*&% for me. Watching the crazy extremes she was taking to make weight during the months of January and February especially my weight kept creeping in the other direction. I couldn’t focus on my own stuff because watching hers was killing me inside. I didn’t know how to tell her that either, so I just tried my hardest to mind my business and just listen when I saw all the crazy diet hacks she was doing. I mean I get it, I guess, she needed to make weigh or she couldn’t deploy. But for someone who is struggling with their own weight, who is 20+ years older – I honestly gave up. Depression really started to settle in during November through now. I’ve been battling to keep it at bay, I know the tools but they aren’t working the way I’d like them to. I also added panic attacks to my arsenal of awesome. That’s a blast.

She left for her deployment (by the grace she made weight) on February 23rd. She’s gone for about 26 weeks between BCT and AIT. With all the crazy diet stuff on the road with her – I only have my own demons to deal with right? On March 1st, I decided to try again. Stick to walking every morning and focus on my nutrition. They say that 80% is the kitchen right? So I feel like even if I workout like a crazy person, but don’t have my eating under control – it won’t matter. I love snacking and not on good for you things. Back in January I went to see a hypnotist to see if that would help me get on track. It helped for about a week then I slipped right back into my bad habits. Maybe I wasn’t ready, maybe I needed more visits, or it could be a little of both. I may try again or just switch back to faking it til I make it. Sometimes that’s what you need to do until you convince yourself you can do it.

Here’s what I’m committing to for the month of March. I’d like my jeans to fit again – you know in case I’d like to switch up out of leggings every now and again. I’ve considered getting a trainer for a month or so to help me get back on track too. I’ve been not so subtlety dropping hints that I’d like a treadmill too. Where I live – walking alone at night isn’t the best choice, so this would allow me to walk twice a day if I want or on the weekends when we typically don’t walk.

Thanks for letting me blab. Hope to be back again soon. Thanks fir sticking with me during the radio silence.

Checking in from coronacation

I’m here, I’m checking in, how are you all doing during this crazy mixed up time? I know I’ve been riding the roller coaster of emotions over here!

We’re 30 some odd days into this stay at home, self quarantine thing and I honestly thought it would be easier! In general I love flying solo on most things and keep myself busy with things around the house. I used to like the quiet “me” time that I would have after dropping the kids at school. Sometimes that was coming home and working in the office and sometimes that was just poking around at Target or IKEA. That’s not a thing right now and it’s kinda sad. The other places I liked to go and decompress are still available – state parks and walking trails. However, the amount of people at those locations are insane right now! So I’ve honestly been avoiding them as much as possible. Even the Geocaching that we were doing became a downer when you realize it’s hard to even find a place to do that where it won’t be swamped with people.

Now before anyone gets the wrong idea – I totally respect the reason all of this is happening and I am trying my best to follow all of the rules. Such as staying at home as much as possible, only going to the store once a week and I wear a mask when I do. The stores are another tough one for me. The anxiety before heading to the store and while at the store is insane. Mostly because I feel like I’m feeding off everyone else’s emotions while I’m there. Last week when I went to the grocery it almost felt normal. Almost all of the things that were on my list were available and there were also only a few people in the store (new occupancy rules plus bad weather for the win). I’m planning on hitting the stores again tomorrow since there is rain and thunderstorms in the forecast haha.

I’ve been relying on anxiety medication to help me through the super tough times. There are a lot of days that I feel depression type symptoms creeping in. Zero motivation, walking around like a mopey sad bitch, and getting nothing done. It also didn’t help that last week the kids were on “spring break” – so there wasn’t any pressing items to do every day. At least this week we are back to distance learning – so I have a reason to roll my ass out of bed. I feel like I need to start making a commitment to doing SOMETHING during the day – exercising NEEDS to be one of them. I generally feel better after a workout, however fighting the looming depression/anxiety has been a chore. My kids don’t deserve depression mom, so I’ve been trying my very best and exhausting that toolbox to keep as positive as possible.

I guess I can finish up this post with my commitments for the week and also the fact that I see all of you out there in the same boat. I get it and I’m here if anyone wants to connect, because lets face it, this shit sucks.

XOXO, Jenn

Day Nineteen – Feeling Better

Day 19 I felt like I was back in the groove.

I had a dentist appointment scheduled for after school drop offs so I did wake up with an anxiety attack. I find a visit to the dentist stressful, I’m always worried that I have another cavity or tooth problem they’re going to find and that of course means big money flying out of my wallet. We don’t have dental insurance, so we pay out of pocket for everything each time we go. Not to mention who wants to have any kind of dental work! Fortunately I got the all clear, so that made me feel better.

After getting home from my appointment I threw on my workout gear and did Morning Meltdown cardio and then out to the garage I went to do tabata trampoline. I’m in the last 20 days of Morning Meltdown, I really like this program. The layout of having 10 different workouts that rotate and change keeps you from getting bored.

Doing a hardcore cardio session seems to help keep my overeating at bay too. I do need to find a balance of what keeps my body nourished after pushing my body like that. I’m determined to find something that works all the way around.

I have a light schedule for Friday so I’ll spend some time putting my office back together. I spilled a whole cup of coffee on my desk Wednesday- I cleaned up the coffee but haven’t had a chance to put everything back where it goes. Not to mention over the last week I dumped a bunch of stuff on my desk to “be put away”. I need the space clear to work on my Etsy stuff tomorrow.

Today’s gratitude-staying focused when I have back to back appointments and meetings.

XOXO

Day Eighteen…I almost threw in the towel

Yep. Day 18 had me in sad bitch mode and wanting to quit it all.

I ate multiple bags of cookies while running my errands this morning – why? Who knows but there I was eating them like it was my job!

My schedule has been off this week so I’m of course blaming everything on that. This morning I didn’t get my workout in before the kids went to school because I had to get Nate to the bus stop this morning again because Al is still fighting off whatever bug he has. Then I came home and cleaned the kitchen because I left it in hot mess status at bedtime last night.

I just wasn’t feeling it today. Still feeling self conscious I guess. It was one of those days where one thing after another goes wrong. Nothing major. Just the type of shit that just screws up your day.

I’m heading off to bed with the mindset that tomorrow is going to be better. I’ll get back on track with everything and back on my “healthy me” path.

Gratitude today : recognizing sad bitch and setting a limit on it.

XOXO

Day Seventeen … getting tired of these yet?

Y’all tired of reading about my boring days yet? Well. Today’s post is about some of the usual and then some of the gym thoughts I have.

I started the day with getting both kiddos off to school then I head over to the gym to try out a new Barre class they’re offering. I liked it, it was definitely challenging. My friend Kristin came to try it out today too.

It was a good burn for all the balance, weights and core we did. No complaints there.

A slower pace gave me a chance to kinda observe the room and get all in my head. I’m about to be super honest and vulnerable here. I don’t usually have time for all that self observation and negative self talk with the other workouts. I always hide in the back and try to position myself where I can’t see myself in the mirror. I’ve talked about this before – how I look to myself when I look down vs what the mirror shows me are two entirely different things. I’m far more confident in myself without the reflection! Does anyone else feel this way when they’re at the gym? I get hyper critical of myself and start picking apart how different I am from everyone else. I know I shouldn’t. I try and remind myself that I’m just as worthy to be there and I hustle through the workouts just like anyone else. I have “big girl” complex though. Every time. I hate that about myself. This is where my headspace was at today.

This. This is everything.

I really just need to stay focused on what I’m doing in my lane and never mind what’s happening over there.

Thanks for reading my babble. It feels good to write it out. Put it out there so it’s not taking up mental space anymore.

Today’s gratitude – pushing through and doing things no matter how tired I think I am. I did all my commitments today.

XOXO