Day 1 of restart 8,635,173,263

Ok fam. Let’s give this a go. Again. Yep. It legit feels like the number in the title of the post. But I can do this. I think. Lol.

I spent some time while the kids were doing their school work to really evaluate things. I woke up like a bear this morning. Full of jealousy for my husband who has recently lost something like 30 pounds. I’m not an asshole, but I secretly hate him for this. (Did I mention it’s also our wedding anniversary so being a hater today makes it even worse!). I wish losing weight could be as simple for me as it is for him. He stopped eating out and uses our exercise bike 4-5 days a week, with a few pushups and sit-ups thrown in for good measure? Meanwhile I’m over here working out each day until I feel like I’m going to die and somewhat watching what I eat. Now mind you this whole COVID thing has been a weird wild ride for me (just like everyone else I know). So have I been eating more treats and carbs? Yes. But I also added 2 extra people to my dinner table during all of this, so making food that everyone will enjoy plus stretching things as far as they can go has been paramount. Honestly, my overall mood has sucked and I don’t like how it feels.

So after the post I did the other day, it got my mind moving about what I could do. It also got me looking into body dysmorphia, which I really think I have. I’ve talked about this in previous posts – where when I look at myself without a mirror I like the way I look. As soon as I look at myself in a mirror-I instantly start tearing myself apart. I’ve changed my hair color 4 different times in the hopes to boost my own morale. I’ve connected with friends and they’ve lovingly reminded me that I’m not alone. But I just can’t shake the feeling that I need to feel better in my skin and only I can do that for myself.

I took my measurements again this morning and stepped on that blasted scale so I could have a starting point. I posted it below.

I also put together a hybrid calendar for workouts. I’m getting bored with following the full Morning Meltdown program for the second time, so I grabbed my favorite days and mixed them up with trampoline workouts and kickboxing. I have a tabata timer that I love and playlists that make me work – so I’m hopeful that it will inspire me to do it! With that said…the workouts are actually the easy part! Crazy right? Yep, the kitchen is where all my problems are. So I’m also back to tracking on My Fitness Pal, because I’m on a budget and it’s free. Feel free to follow me/friend me? I don’t know how that works. (user name: jenns_losing_it). I also have a Apple Watch and would love to connect with people there too for challenges – accountability is where it’s at!

Wish me luck! I’m starting literally right now – so I need to change my clothes and get my ass on that trampoline! Cardio waits for no one. I didn’t want to start workouts tomorrow when I took my measurements today. Seriously. Here goes nothing. Again. I need support, I need my cheerleaders. I need all the love to help me keep going when I want to sit down and have a snack. I want to feel comfortable in those shorts this summer, because its hot as hell to be wearing jeans!

XOXO, Jenn

Checking In…

Well. It’s been a little over a week since I fell off the daily post train. I just got wrapped in what I was doing during the day and crashing at night. Same old, same old happening over here. I’ve been keeping my workouts going every morning. Averaging 60 minutes a day. I “feel” like it’s helping with hunger and overeating. The scale of course- the asshole that it is-tells me differently.

I weighed myself yesterday morning and shocker. The stupid scale still shows 225.

I’m frustrated. I am. I don’t even have a goal weight at this point other than not this weight. I think what really set me off was when my husband says…I weighed myself this morning and I’m down to 235. Are you kidding me. This dude worked out for like 2 weeks, then took 2 weeks off because of the flu and now he’s only 10lbs heavier than me. Come. On.

After exclaiming my disbelief that I’m only 10lbs less than his – he follows up with – well that should motivate you to stay that way? Yep. Then says – just try harder. Wow. Why didn’t I think of that.

I’m sure I am in some sort of denial about how many calories I consume daily but I also know how hard I work daily in my workouts. I’m giving them my all. I know your body isn’t made only in the gym. But good grief it must count for something? Either that or 40 sucks hard.

So here I am today. Tracking all the food. Taking all the measurements. Killing myself in the workouts. To see if something shifts in the next week.

So do I call this another restart? #1286816384839? 😂

Well. That felt good to get it all out! I’ll check back in next Sunday night and let you know if something changes this week. I’m still holding on to hope that it will all click.

XOXO

Day Seventeen … getting tired of these yet?

Y’all tired of reading about my boring days yet? Well. Today’s post is about some of the usual and then some of the gym thoughts I have.

I started the day with getting both kiddos off to school then I head over to the gym to try out a new Barre class they’re offering. I liked it, it was definitely challenging. My friend Kristin came to try it out today too.

It was a good burn for all the balance, weights and core we did. No complaints there.

A slower pace gave me a chance to kinda observe the room and get all in my head. I’m about to be super honest and vulnerable here. I don’t usually have time for all that self observation and negative self talk with the other workouts. I always hide in the back and try to position myself where I can’t see myself in the mirror. I’ve talked about this before – how I look to myself when I look down vs what the mirror shows me are two entirely different things. I’m far more confident in myself without the reflection! Does anyone else feel this way when they’re at the gym? I get hyper critical of myself and start picking apart how different I am from everyone else. I know I shouldn’t. I try and remind myself that I’m just as worthy to be there and I hustle through the workouts just like anyone else. I have “big girl” complex though. Every time. I hate that about myself. This is where my headspace was at today.

This. This is everything.

I really just need to stay focused on what I’m doing in my lane and never mind what’s happening over there.

Thanks for reading my babble. It feels good to write it out. Put it out there so it’s not taking up mental space anymore.

Today’s gratitude – pushing through and doing things no matter how tired I think I am. I did all my commitments today.

XOXO

Day Sixteen

Day sixteen was a day off for the kiddos. So that meant sleeping in a little later and a more relaxed schedule. I got up and pulled a double workout. Something I’m going to try this week is getting in at least an hour of exercise a day. I found that on my gym days where I workout (until I feel like I may die with cardio) I’m less likely to over eat throughout the rest of the day. Weird since you’d assume the opposite. I did my usual Morning Meltdown-Fight Club (my least favorite) then went out to the garage to give my new trampoline a try! I found one similar to the ones from the gym for a 1/3 of the price – so I jumped on it. I threw together a 30 minute tabata workout on the fly.

MM100 – Fight Club
30 min Tabata Tramp

After my workouts I had some breakfast and put away the mounds of laundry sitting on my dining room table. I put it all there so I have no choice but to put it away. Otherwise I’ll live out of the laundry baskets sitting in my bedroom or hallway.

It looked to be a good weather day so my friend Kim said she was going to take the kids on a hike and asked us to join. Only James was interested – so we threw ourselves together and hit the road with a backpack lunch. Hiking with 5 kids is always an adventure. Lots of “don’t do this and stop that”. We made it to the summit and had our lunch before heading back down. It was a nice day out with our friends.

Case Mountain-Manchester, CT

Tomorrow I’m off to try Barre at the gym. My body is beat from today. Hopefully I’ll recuperate overnight.

I almost forgot! I tracked all my food!

I need more protein and less carbs in my life. 😬

Day 16 Gratitude: that I’m able to do the workouts and take the walks. Sometimes we take that for granted.

XOXO

Days Fourteen & Fifteen

Saturday & Sunday….

The weekends are busy here.  Saturday morning James had a hike with his Cub Scout Pack and Nate decided to stay home. So I stayed here and did all of our laundry, that I didn’t do last week so I had two weeks worth. Saturday night we had plans to celebrate my friends 40th birthday. It was a kid free night so the boys spent the night at my mother-in-law’s. She had her party at a laser tag place. Everyone had a great time.

I threw away my diet this weekend. I really need to start doing better tomorrow. I think part of it on Saturday was that my mother-in-law basically told me that I wasn’t even trying. But was sure to point out that my husband lost weight. Told me how much she lost. Then told me “we need to get you on board”. Awesome. So of course I showed her by eating two pieces of cake at the party. Then follow that up today by eating leftover cake and all of the queso during my home Super Bowl party. So needless to say I didn’t track anything for Saturday or Sunday in my fitness pal. Fresh start 73,738,372,837,262?

I think I’m really gonna try to give it a go this week and put in the whole week with trying to track everything and eat a little bit better. I really am sick of feeling like crap every day. Both mentally and physically. I’ve got to try to shut out all of the other aspects that caused me to stress eat or bored eat.

Days 14 and 15 gratitude: For having good friends that make me laugh and that I want to go out and spend time with. For never throwing in the towel no matter how hard I think it gets and how negative everyone around me is.

Here’s to a healthy week – let’s see if I can do it. Please help me stay accountable. Check in on me. I need it.

XOXO