Progress Report

Y’all. I felt so much better after spilling my guts to you the other day. Seriously. Thank you to everyone that checked in with me too. It meant a lot.

On Saturday my husband pretty much forced me out of the house to go take a walk. We went to one of my favorite places, Bluff Point in Groton, CT. As much anxiety I had about going to the state park, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. We went much later in the afternoon so I’m sure that helped a little. The views are amazing and it made my soul heal a little seeing the ocean, feeling the sun and smelling the air.

I added a little over three miles to my September race and that felt good too! Totally making that goal this month.

We took in the sunset as we finished up our walk. Then found a local pizza place and shared a pizza in the van – since eating in a restaurant is super restrictive and really weird. Then we treated ourselves to some Friendlys ice cream before heading home. Taking the long way home and being out of the house for no other reason than to take a walk and a ride was really nice.

During the ride I also made a deal with myself. No more fucking around. I need to get real with trying to lose weight and stop feeling bad about myself. So many of you have heard me say this a million times before but I’ve upped the ante for myself this time. WHEN I lose 20ish pounds and get to 199- I need to hold or go below for two weeks – then I will add another tattoo to my right arm – starting my sleeve. That’s something I REALLY want so I’m going to push to make it happen. So I’m starting in the morning. I’m working on some meal planning and shopping lists to get me going. I’m excited mainly because I want to get that tattoo AND my husband gave me zero shit when I said that was what I wanted to reward myself with.

I’ll check in again soon. I’m excited. I’m gonna do this. Better start figuring out what flowers I want to add to my arm!

I’m still struggling!

Yup!  I sure am.  Yesterday I received a call for the life insurance that my husband and I applied for.  I was told that I received a sub-standard rating due to my “build”.  It was a tough blow.  Just hearing that was the reason, I wanted to cry.  Fortunately I had a friend there to listen to me and understand how I felt.  Because I didn’t get the same support at home from my husband.  Using “build” for determination on services feels so discriminatory.  How to you base a decision on weight/height ratios.  When all of the blood work you made me do shows how healthy I am when it comes to all of the other important things such as cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. Also, I’m lying…I did cry.  I cried a lot over this information.  Then reading it in black and white that because I am 5’7″ and on that day weighed 222 (fully dressed), I am deemed below standard.  It hurts, it burns, it really sucks.

This.  This is the kind of thing that makes things even worse for people like myself.  People that struggle with their confidence and fight body issues.  The body issues that cause you to want to eat to shove the feelings back down, then when your done you feel even worse.  I am lucky to have supportive friends, mother and solid promise to myself.  The promise that no matter what I don’t quit working out.  No matter how down I am.  No matter how much I hate myself that morning.  I get up, I move for at least 30 minutes and I put my everything into that workout.  I know this all seems harsh, but in all honestly that is how it is for me sometimes and I fight those demons daily.  Trying to focus on how strong I feel and how my clothes feel rather than the number on the scale.  

This all comes on the heels  of me trying to make better choices with the quality and quantity of food I consume.  I’ve also rolled back how much exercise I do daily.  I felt like I was over taxing my body.  I also came to grips with the fact that I am basically a toddler when it comes to food.  I love to graze all day rather than sit down and eat a meal.  So this week I tried something a little different and ate a regular lunch each day.  It’s made a difference in my snacking and in my weight.  

Thanks for letting me rant and get this off my chest.  Now I just need to move forward and continue to focus on bettering myself. XOXO