Can’t shake this funk…

It’s the worst. When you’re feeling like crud just shuffling through your day trying to fake it til you make it but the shift isn’t happening fast enough. I’m typing this as I cycle because that’s when I’m feeling inspired. Weirdo I know. So I’m about to be totally honest with where my heads at today. So forgive me for rambling.

That’s where I’m at lately. Or at least since the New Year hit. There wasn’t a new year new me thing going on because I’d already been doing the workout thing. So then what’s my deal right? I’m just feeling unmotivated to do much else. As much as I’d like to believe that I should love my body the way it is…I’m struggling. I want to love it. I want to appreciate it. Because it’s clearly being obstinate about changing.

Before all the people in the back go nuts…I know I don’t eat like I should. I know that. I don’t need anyone to tell me. I also need to drink water. I’m sure that’s why I feel like a zombie every day. I’ve run the gamut on programs from Weight Watchers to Fasting/Cleansing Programs to seeing a nutritionist. So my weight loss arsenal is loaded with information. I like sugar. I like sweets. I like all things classified in the junk food category. Sugar is my vice. I don’t drink at all but you bet your ass I’ll eat all the candy, cookies and treats if you offer them. I’m also a carb whore – but that shouldn’t be a surprise either.

So the big question is what am I going to do? That’s the question I’m asking myself and Google – no joke I Googled how to get unstuck. Here’s the thing depression and anxiety are a real thing and things I feel with. How I deal with them is one of the most common ways – eating. I also destroy my cuticles any chance I get – but that’s for the times I’m not stuffing my face. I carry a stress stone in the car and in my wallet to help with that. I also just bought myself a weighted blanket for bedtime. So far so good there. I’m falling asleep fast and love the pressure it adds.

One of the things I stumbled upon during my Google rabbit hole this morning is that when we feel stuck we often get wrapped up in figuring out why we feel stuck and how did it happen. Instead we should focus on small things that we can change to see if it makes a difference. Which I guess I started to do yesterday. I’ve been looking at my living spaces and they look like an overwhelmed person lives there. (She does BTW). So I used my day to work on that. I cleaned up the downstairs- reclaiming my spaces from the clutter. The clutter, that adds to my anxiety but I’m too depressed to do anything about. I forced myself to clean it all up. Vacuum it all and wash the floors. It was nice to see clear spaces.

However this morning when my 5am alarm went off I shut it off then crawled back in bed under that weighted blanket and stayed there until 9am. Skipping my workout and really wanting to get back into bed. I told myself that skipping the workout entirely today is not happening. So that’s why I’m doing it now.

So as I verbally vomited my blog post as I peddled through my secondary workout – I’ve decided to blog every night for the next thirty days. To see if making small manageable changes helps my garbage mindset. Can’t hurt right? I’ll start tonight with Day One – no waiting to start tomorrow. I’d love for you to follow along. Support is always welcome. Those that have been following me for a while know I haven’t tossed in the towel yet and I still don’t plan to.

Thanks for reading! Expect Day One tonight.


Goodbye 2018…Hello 2019

As December came to a close I finished up my first round of Liift4 with my workout buddy Shannon. I never took before pictures but I did weigh and measure myself. However…I saw no difference or I should say no loss. I pretty much maintained my weight during the nine weeks (I know, it should be eight but we did week 5 twice). So I guess I should be happy with that considering the holidays. We finished the Friday before Christmas with the plan of starting Round 2 on Christmas Eve. I started the program as planned adding Jillian Michaels Killer Cardio on my Liift4 days. Turned out that my workout pal care down with something and I offered to do week one again so we could be in the same place in the program.

This time I took before pictures and measurements. Each Monday I will do the same. I also took some time to make my 2019 Goals rather than resolutions.

They seem simple enough but I struggle with 6/7. I’m not stuck on the number on the scale as I’m stuck on feeling comfortable in my body and my clothes. I’m heading into my 40th birthday and I already know I’m feeling better than I was at my 30th. But….I want to continue to feel better and look better because I’ve been carrying this weight around for too damn long!

I also committed to doing these sheets again to set shorter term goals for myself. These will help me stay accountable.

So this morning I’m kicking off another 8 weeks with Liift4 matched with cardio. I’m pumped and feeling hopeful that this time I’ll see results. Here’s the schedule I made for myself to bring me through this round.

Wishing everyone a very Happy 2019, May it be all you hope for!


I’m still struggling!

Yup!  I sure am.  Yesterday I received a call for the life insurance that my husband and I applied for.  I was told that I received a sub-standard rating due to my “build”.  It was a tough blow.  Just hearing that was the reason, I wanted to cry.  Fortunately I had a friend there to listen to me and understand how I felt.  Because I didn’t get the same support at home from my husband.  Using “build” for determination on services feels so discriminatory.  How to you base a decision on weight/height ratios.  When all of the blood work you made me do shows how healthy I am when it comes to all of the other important things such as cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. Also, I’m lying…I did cry.  I cried a lot over this information.  Then reading it in black and white that because I am 5’7″ and on that day weighed 222 (fully dressed), I am deemed below standard.  It hurts, it burns, it really sucks.

This.  This is the kind of thing that makes things even worse for people like myself.  People that struggle with their confidence and fight body issues.  The body issues that cause you to want to eat to shove the feelings back down, then when your done you feel even worse.  I am lucky to have supportive friends, mother and solid promise to myself.  The promise that no matter what I don’t quit working out.  No matter how down I am.  No matter how much I hate myself that morning.  I get up, I move for at least 30 minutes and I put my everything into that workout.  I know this all seems harsh, but in all honestly that is how it is for me sometimes and I fight those demons daily.  Trying to focus on how strong I feel and how my clothes feel rather than the number on the scale.  

This all comes on the heels  of me trying to make better choices with the quality and quantity of food I consume.  I’ve also rolled back how much exercise I do daily.  I felt like I was over taxing my body.  I also came to grips with the fact that I am basically a toddler when it comes to food.  I love to graze all day rather than sit down and eat a meal.  So this week I tried something a little different and ate a regular lunch each day.  It’s made a difference in my snacking and in my weight.  

Thanks for letting me rant and get this off my chest.  Now I just need to move forward and continue to focus on bettering myself. XOXO