Checking in from coronacation

I’m here, I’m checking in, how are you all doing during this crazy mixed up time? I know I’ve been riding the roller coaster of emotions over here!

We’re 30 some odd days into this stay at home, self quarantine thing and I honestly thought it would be easier! In general I love flying solo on most things and keep myself busy with things around the house. I used to like the quiet “me” time that I would have after dropping the kids at school. Sometimes that was coming home and working in the office and sometimes that was just poking around at Target or IKEA. That’s not a thing right now and it’s kinda sad. The other places I liked to go and decompress are still available – state parks and walking trails. However, the amount of people at those locations are insane right now! So I’ve honestly been avoiding them as much as possible. Even the Geocaching that we were doing became a downer when you realize it’s hard to even find a place to do that where it won’t be swamped with people.

Now before anyone gets the wrong idea – I totally respect the reason all of this is happening and I am trying my best to follow all of the rules. Such as staying at home as much as possible, only going to the store once a week and I wear a mask when I do. The stores are another tough one for me. The anxiety before heading to the store and while at the store is insane. Mostly because I feel like I’m feeding off everyone else’s emotions while I’m there. Last week when I went to the grocery it almost felt normal. Almost all of the things that were on my list were available and there were also only a few people in the store (new occupancy rules plus bad weather for the win). I’m planning on hitting the stores again tomorrow since there is rain and thunderstorms in the forecast haha.

I’ve been relying on anxiety medication to help me through the super tough times. There are a lot of days that I feel depression type symptoms creeping in. Zero motivation, walking around like a mopey sad bitch, and getting nothing done. It also didn’t help that last week the kids were on “spring break” – so there wasn’t any pressing items to do every day. At least this week we are back to distance learning – so I have a reason to roll my ass out of bed. I feel like I need to start making a commitment to doing SOMETHING during the day – exercising NEEDS to be one of them. I generally feel better after a workout, however fighting the looming depression/anxiety has been a chore. My kids don’t deserve depression mom, so I’ve been trying my very best and exhausting that toolbox to keep as positive as possible.

I guess I can finish up this post with my commitments for the week and also the fact that I see all of you out there in the same boat. I get it and I’m here if anyone wants to connect, because lets face it, this shit sucks.

XOXO, Jenn

Day Eighteen…I almost threw in the towel

Yep. Day 18 had me in sad bitch mode and wanting to quit it all.

I ate multiple bags of cookies while running my errands this morning – why? Who knows but there I was eating them like it was my job!

My schedule has been off this week so I’m of course blaming everything on that. This morning I didn’t get my workout in before the kids went to school because I had to get Nate to the bus stop this morning again because Al is still fighting off whatever bug he has. Then I came home and cleaned the kitchen because I left it in hot mess status at bedtime last night.

I just wasn’t feeling it today. Still feeling self conscious I guess. It was one of those days where one thing after another goes wrong. Nothing major. Just the type of shit that just screws up your day.

I’m heading off to bed with the mindset that tomorrow is going to be better. I’ll get back on track with everything and back on my “healthy me” path.

Gratitude today : recognizing sad bitch and setting a limit on it.

XOXO

Day Seventeen … getting tired of these yet?

Y’all tired of reading about my boring days yet? Well. Today’s post is about some of the usual and then some of the gym thoughts I have.

I started the day with getting both kiddos off to school then I head over to the gym to try out a new Barre class they’re offering. I liked it, it was definitely challenging. My friend Kristin came to try it out today too.

It was a good burn for all the balance, weights and core we did. No complaints there.

A slower pace gave me a chance to kinda observe the room and get all in my head. I’m about to be super honest and vulnerable here. I don’t usually have time for all that self observation and negative self talk with the other workouts. I always hide in the back and try to position myself where I can’t see myself in the mirror. I’ve talked about this before – how I look to myself when I look down vs what the mirror shows me are two entirely different things. I’m far more confident in myself without the reflection! Does anyone else feel this way when they’re at the gym? I get hyper critical of myself and start picking apart how different I am from everyone else. I know I shouldn’t. I try and remind myself that I’m just as worthy to be there and I hustle through the workouts just like anyone else. I have “big girl” complex though. Every time. I hate that about myself. This is where my headspace was at today.

This. This is everything.

I really just need to stay focused on what I’m doing in my lane and never mind what’s happening over there.

Thanks for reading my babble. It feels good to write it out. Put it out there so it’s not taking up mental space anymore.

Today’s gratitude – pushing through and doing things no matter how tired I think I am. I did all my commitments today.

XOXO

Day Twelve

Day Twelve of writing and Day One of trying to get my shit together for the 484,728,272nd time.

I did the usual routine yesterday and forced myself to get up and work out even though I’m still not feeling 100%. I ran all my errands and finished up the school fundraiser.

I tracked all my food yesterday. Even the treats. I just can’t give up my candy.

I have to sit down and actually meal plan the rest of the meals in my day. Not just dinners. I have a spreadsheet that I was given when I saw a nutritionist a few years back that I really like that I can use to plan or I guess I could pre-track my day each morning to plan it all out too. We’ll have to see because sometimes I over plan and that just sets me up for failure because I overwhelm myself. I’m a weirdo I know.

Day Twelve Gratitude: I struggled with this one but I would have to say for today it’s the little moments in the car with the kids. Where they feel like sharing their day.

XOXO

Day Eleven

Day eleven. Whoa.

Day eleven has me sick of my own shit. Yup. I said it. I’M SICK OF MY OWN SHIT. The overeating. The snacking. The muffin-top. The guilt. Then the stress eating from the guilt. All of it. I need to break the cycle. Because today while I did all of the above I felt myself slipping back into the sad bitch mode I was eleven days ago. Uh. No thanks. So where does that leave me? That leaves me needing to make a change. I need to do something different.

I wish I could do it as easy as I can say it. I have to take it one day at a time. Literally one day at a time. So. Here’s my plan for tomorrow. Get up – sniffles or not – and get my workout done before getting Nate up. Track everything I eat in MyFitnessPal. Drink all the water.

Somethings gotta give and eating all the food and killing myself in workouts isn’t changing anything. I’ve done the research and it’s not working. LOL.

Y’all. I’m so sick of myself today! I’m going to work to fix that tomorrow. Promise.

Here I go on my restart #63,627,263,739

Gratitude for day 11: The ability to be so mad at myself but love myself enough to make changes.

XOXO