Checking In

Let me start off by saying, this is a way for me to get it out, a way of journaling. By sharing it here I feel like I might help someone else know they aren’t alone in feeling the way that I do. I talked about this last night with my husband and he listened – but I really think he just doesn’t understand all the emotions (or lack there of) that I’m experiencing. So if you aren’t into reading about all my current woes then here’s your chance to bail.

When we started “stay home, stay safe” for COVID back in March, I thought it would be fine – temporary. I figured I was home most of the time anyway. How hard could it be. Then weeks turned into months and shit just kept getting weirder in the world. All of the things I enjoyed doing – grocery shopping, regular shopping, visiting state parks, geocaching- the list goes on, became an unpleasant experience. Grocery Shopping felt like the Hunger Games and only now feel slightly better. Shopping at Target or Walmart is depressing – shelves are bare and everyone looks sad. I haven’t even tried to go to one of my favorite places – IKEA – because I just don’t want to ruin it for myself. I just don’t find it to be an enjoyable experience anymore – now I only go to the store for purpose or necessity. State Parks are busy and limited capacity – when before some of my favorite places were near empty. I haven’t even gone to some of my favorite nearby places to visit for the same reason – not wanting to ruin the memory of it. I miss my summer trips to Newport, Salem and Mystic.

We’ve also had some crazy family stuff happen during all this and there’s all sorts of emotions that happen with that. I only mention them to add to “where I’m at”, but haven’t really shared much outside of my house. There are some things that are meant to stay in house. It’s just been… emotional.

I’ve been trying to keep my boys out of the general public during all of this too. I hate seeing them wearing masks. Yes, I know the importance for wearing a mask – so don’t come at me for that. That’s why I just keep them home as much as possible. I don’t take them out for errands if at all possible and we are keeping them home this fall to continue distance learning for this same reason. I think the mask wearing and social distancing will be more detrimental than keeping them home with me. I am hopeful it’s short term. Most of my friends are sending their kids back in person. I respect them for that. It’s a tough decision either way. I wish I could do it too, but I also think my anxiety would be in high gear all the time. Keeping them home with me if for my mental health too. Hopefully I won’t have to fight with them as much this time around to do the work!

So after all of that, I completely lost my mojo about a month ago. I took a week off from working out, that turned into two and now I’m pushing four. I’m sleeping late and can barely find the motivation to do the simple day to day stuff. Yesterday was the eye opener for me that I am on depression’s doorstep y’all. I’m about to knock to have her let me in to join in her misery. I’ve got all the classic signs. I know them well. I’ve travelled this road a few times, it’s been a while since my last visit and I’m really wanting to bypass this stay. By classic signs – for me – I mean – no joy in the things that used to make me happy, not working at my fun job (my Etsy shop) as much as I would like, feeling empty, stopping working out, getting up late, going to bed early, not wanting to socialize with friends as much, not wanting to leave the house, eating…a lot, but then not wanting to cook dinner. There’s some of the things I’ve noticed. There’s also a lot of negative self talk happening and constant jealousy of anyone experiencing success-in anything- I have no limits on that one. It’s an awful trait that I tend to have. Comparison to others is a toxic trail to take. I need to pull a u-turn and come back to home base on that. It makes me feel ugly and pulls me deeper into where I don’t want to be.

I’m hoping that by writing this and sharing what I’m trying to do will help me climb out and get back to “normal”. I want to workout (weirdo right?) because my awful body issues are also rearing too. I keep thinking – “if I lose 10, 20, blah blah pounds I’ll for sure feel better” – then I eat two snickers ice cream cones – yep that happened yesterday. Here’s the thing, my brain knows that working out provides endorphins. Those endorphins after 30/60 minutes of exercise can be similar to taking an antidepressant. It’s proven to work if you can get your depressed ass moving. BUT THAT’S THE STUPID CRAZY PART! You’re so deep in your head that you talk yourself out of getting those endorphins!

I committed myself to a 18.9 mile virtual race this month. That I told myself I would complete by the last day of September. That means I have to move at least the amount of time it takes me to complete those nearly 19 miles. If I walk for 15 minutes a day I’ll hit my goal. I have to do something to motivate myself because the idea of being uncomfortable in my skin isn’t quite enough right now.

At the same time I’ve been trying to eat a little better. But that’s truly laughable, because who eats right when they’re stressed and feeling miserable. I’m trying to track what I eat and I even signed up for a nutrition webinar in about a week. We’ll see how that goes.

If you’re still with me-thank you. I’d like (to try again) to update more regularly. I mean I pay for this freaking blog, you’d think I’d publish more. (Facepalm) My kids are heading back to school (in my office) on the 10th – so wish me luck. I need to find that “me” time quickly in order to manage having them here all day again. Just sitting in the office with me from 7:30 to 3 every day. At least the first two days are early release?

Sunday Vibes

So as I take a look back at my week, overall I had a good one. I ate when I was hungry and made mindful choices. I tracked each and everyday using both the Weight Watchers app and My Fitness Pal. What’s kind of crazy is how on days that were out of sight for points on Weight Watchers weren’t bad calorie/nutrient wise on My Fitness Pal. I haven’t been drinking enough water. That I do know. I have a personal goal of 120oz per day and I’ve been averaging about half of that so I’d like to step it up on that end. Not eating sweets has been an intermittent problem for me over this past week. However I was able to satisfy the cravings with some mini marshmallows. 
One thing I’ve noticed this week is I’m feeling a little down, emotionally. I’ve been recovering remarkably well from my gallbladder surgery and I am thankful for that. Right now I’m only taking Tylenol and Motrin as needed, which is rarely. I am able to move around fairly well with only moderate pain when getting in and out of bed and my incisions have healed up nicely. I haven’t really left the house, by choice. Which is a classic beginning to spiraling into feeling depressed. Being restricted by not only my body but the doctor is tough. I’m used to doing so many things without assistance. Now I have to ask with most of my daily tasks. So a lot of the time they just aren’t being done because I only like to ask for help on something once, otherwise I feel like a nag.   I’m looking forward to continuing to heal and just need to hang in there for a few more weeks until all my restrictions are lifted. 
My goal for next week is to leave the house. Just get out and for more than to the grocery. My husband and oldest son are heading to Boy Scout Camp this morning for the week so it’ll be just me and the little guy for the week. So I’ll only need to be responsible for the two of us. I know to take it easy, but getting out and about cannot be an option. I’ve been down this road before and I know the signs so it’s time to take an exit and get off!
I’m looking forward to a great week because I’m going to make it one. No excuses.

What Inspires You?

There are a few things that inspire me ~
1. My children are first on the list.  I base the decisions I make, actions I take and words that I speak based on the fact that I want my children to be proud that I am their mother. Even when it comes to diet and exercise I want to lead by example.  I try not to hang my hat on the “do what I say not what I do” theory of parenting (always harder to do than say!). I want my children to see me eating right and being active.  
2. Other peoples success. No matter the size of the success, seeing someone else do something they didn’t think they could or try something they never thought they would-it makes me feel good. Seeing my friends post their workouts on Facebook motivates me to go take a walk or even take the stairs in place of the elevator. It pushes me to do things out of my comfort level and to put a little extra effort in when I think I’m all out. 
3. Sharing. That’s why I began sharing my daily food diary and now my weekly weigh-ins. By sharing them with essentially anyone who wants to look-I’m putting myself out there.  We all know that’s a double edge sword, because you are bound to get some less than desirable feedback from time to time. But without hearing comments and critism, I’ll never push myself harder the next time. It puts me in competition with myself. 
What inspires you?