Checking In

Let me start off by saying, this is a way for me to get it out, a way of journaling. By sharing it here I feel like I might help someone else know they aren’t alone in feeling the way that I do. I talked about this last night with my husband and he listened – but I really think he just doesn’t understand all the emotions (or lack there of) that I’m experiencing. So if you aren’t into reading about all my current woes then here’s your chance to bail.

When we started “stay home, stay safe” for COVID back in March, I thought it would be fine – temporary. I figured I was home most of the time anyway. How hard could it be. Then weeks turned into months and shit just kept getting weirder in the world. All of the things I enjoyed doing – grocery shopping, regular shopping, visiting state parks, geocaching- the list goes on, became an unpleasant experience. Grocery Shopping felt like the Hunger Games and only now feel slightly better. Shopping at Target or Walmart is depressing – shelves are bare and everyone looks sad. I haven’t even tried to go to one of my favorite places – IKEA – because I just don’t want to ruin it for myself. I just don’t find it to be an enjoyable experience anymore – now I only go to the store for purpose or necessity. State Parks are busy and limited capacity – when before some of my favorite places were near empty. I haven’t even gone to some of my favorite nearby places to visit for the same reason – not wanting to ruin the memory of it. I miss my summer trips to Newport, Salem and Mystic.

We’ve also had some crazy family stuff happen during all this and there’s all sorts of emotions that happen with that. I only mention them to add to “where I’m at”, but haven’t really shared much outside of my house. There are some things that are meant to stay in house. It’s just been… emotional.

I’ve been trying to keep my boys out of the general public during all of this too. I hate seeing them wearing masks. Yes, I know the importance for wearing a mask – so don’t come at me for that. That’s why I just keep them home as much as possible. I don’t take them out for errands if at all possible and we are keeping them home this fall to continue distance learning for this same reason. I think the mask wearing and social distancing will be more detrimental than keeping them home with me. I am hopeful it’s short term. Most of my friends are sending their kids back in person. I respect them for that. It’s a tough decision either way. I wish I could do it too, but I also think my anxiety would be in high gear all the time. Keeping them home with me if for my mental health too. Hopefully I won’t have to fight with them as much this time around to do the work!

So after all of that, I completely lost my mojo about a month ago. I took a week off from working out, that turned into two and now I’m pushing four. I’m sleeping late and can barely find the motivation to do the simple day to day stuff. Yesterday was the eye opener for me that I am on depression’s doorstep y’all. I’m about to knock to have her let me in to join in her misery. I’ve got all the classic signs. I know them well. I’ve travelled this road a few times, it’s been a while since my last visit and I’m really wanting to bypass this stay. By classic signs – for me – I mean – no joy in the things that used to make me happy, not working at my fun job (my Etsy shop) as much as I would like, feeling empty, stopping working out, getting up late, going to bed early, not wanting to socialize with friends as much, not wanting to leave the house, eating…a lot, but then not wanting to cook dinner. There’s some of the things I’ve noticed. There’s also a lot of negative self talk happening and constant jealousy of anyone experiencing success-in anything- I have no limits on that one. It’s an awful trait that I tend to have. Comparison to others is a toxic trail to take. I need to pull a u-turn and come back to home base on that. It makes me feel ugly and pulls me deeper into where I don’t want to be.

I’m hoping that by writing this and sharing what I’m trying to do will help me climb out and get back to “normal”. I want to workout (weirdo right?) because my awful body issues are also rearing too. I keep thinking – “if I lose 10, 20, blah blah pounds I’ll for sure feel better” – then I eat two snickers ice cream cones – yep that happened yesterday. Here’s the thing, my brain knows that working out provides endorphins. Those endorphins after 30/60 minutes of exercise can be similar to taking an antidepressant. It’s proven to work if you can get your depressed ass moving. BUT THAT’S THE STUPID CRAZY PART! You’re so deep in your head that you talk yourself out of getting those endorphins!

I committed myself to a 18.9 mile virtual race this month. That I told myself I would complete by the last day of September. That means I have to move at least the amount of time it takes me to complete those nearly 19 miles. If I walk for 15 minutes a day I’ll hit my goal. I have to do something to motivate myself because the idea of being uncomfortable in my skin isn’t quite enough right now.

At the same time I’ve been trying to eat a little better. But that’s truly laughable, because who eats right when they’re stressed and feeling miserable. I’m trying to track what I eat and I even signed up for a nutrition webinar in about a week. We’ll see how that goes.

If you’re still with me-thank you. I’d like (to try again) to update more regularly. I mean I pay for this freaking blog, you’d think I’d publish more. (Facepalm) My kids are heading back to school (in my office) on the 10th – so wish me luck. I need to find that “me” time quickly in order to manage having them here all day again. Just sitting in the office with me from 7:30 to 3 every day. At least the first two days are early release?

Support

Feedback from family and friends can make or break you. Support carries far, but sometimes the non-support takes up residence in your brain (squashing down that support you do receive).
My closest friends are always supportive. They’ve tailored meals served at an event for me, they continuously cheer me on while I struggle my way through this weight loss journey and don’t let me give up. But Family, oh family. Those folks can be the most challenging. Most of the time the people in my house are supportive. They eat the meals I cook for myself so I don’t have to cook multiple meals. They know that Friday’s and Saturday’s I am super strict with myself. However sometimes my family that doesn’t live here, they dismiss my efforts.
The best example and why it’s so fresh is a dinner with my parents this weekend. They really just don’t understand my weight loss struggle. They don’t understand why I can’t lose the weight quicker and keep it off. Why I can’t stop overindulging in food. They bring huge dinners, which usually are high in fat and carbs (my two favorite things lol) and a dessert – which is usually cake and ice cream. Now please don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with them and I’m appreciative of them coming to my place and bringing dinner. I can usually swing whatever meal comes my way because we have been getting together on Sundays. This week however we agreed to meet up on Saturday because of the potential snow clean up on Sunday-which is tough for them. When we discussed the plans for dinner which include lasagna, rolls and dessert – they acknowledged my preference for getting together on Sundays, since I weigh in Sunday morning. So the suggestion was made that I just “skip my meeting”. I don’t want to skip my meeting. I missed my meeting last week due to being out of town. I gain when I miss a meeting because I go off the rails all weekend. Instead of just Sunday, that’s exactly what I did last weekend. I ate chips all weekend like it was my job.
I reached out in my posts this past week and the support from friends has been invaluable to me. That’s where it’s at-finding a place you can reach out when you’re feeling alone. Finding a person that will support you no matter what. Everyone needs this. Emotional support.  The online community and meeting room community I’ve created for myself has been invaluable in this leg of my journey.  These are all like-minded folks who currently are or recently have fought all the demons that I am right now.
I want to hit my goals so badly, but the struggle in my head is just as tough as the struggle with food pushing family.  I recently watched the videos that I linked below.  They are Jennie’s story of her weight loss journey.  One of my leaders shared these videos on her Facebook page and some of the things she shared within her success story.  If you have the time to watch her stories it’s worth it, combined it’s about 20 minutes, but hearing someone’s success can help to boost your own.

New Beginnings

I know it’s been a while. I’ve been finding my way in life. Still am. Tomorrow we start a new chapter. James, 3, is heading off to school. I was really excited until it hit me today that I might actually miss him being around all day. This afternoon we’ll go meet his teacher. We’re familiar with the school since Nate (8) goes there already. 
The big question is what do I do? I’ll be transporting the kids to & from school daily leaving me a few hours daily that will be all me. My husbands business can always use support. Growing the business is always a priority. But I’m looking for something that’s all mine too. 
Maybe I’ll take a week or two and just do things for me. Reflect upon what makes me feel purposeful since I’m still a little lost on that front. I’m hoping to give more time to my blog and over sharing about my life. Haha. 
Here’s to the next chapter and hanging in there with me. 
#momstuff