It’s the worst. When you’re feeling like crud just shuffling through your day trying to fake it til you make it but the shift isn’t happening fast enough. I’m typing this as I cycle because that’s when I’m feeling inspired. Weirdo I know. So I’m about to be totally honest with where my heads at today. So forgive me for rambling.
That’s where I’m at lately. Or at least since the New Year hit. There wasn’t a new year new me thing going on because I’d already been doing the workout thing. So then what’s my deal right? I’m just feeling unmotivated to do much else. As much as I’d like to believe that I should love my body the way it is…I’m struggling. I want to love it. I want to appreciate it. Because it’s clearly being obstinate about changing.
Before all the people in the back go nuts…I know I don’t eat like I should. I know that. I don’t need anyone to tell me. I also need to drink water. I’m sure that’s why I feel like a zombie every day. I’ve run the gamut on programs from Weight Watchers to Fasting/Cleansing Programs to seeing a nutritionist. So my weight loss arsenal is loaded with information. I like sugar. I like sweets. I like all things classified in the junk food category. Sugar is my vice. I don’t drink at all but you bet your ass I’ll eat all the candy, cookies and treats if you offer them. I’m also a carb whore – but that shouldn’t be a surprise either.
So the big question is what am I going to do? That’s the question I’m asking myself and Google – no joke I Googled how to get unstuck. Here’s the thing depression and anxiety are a real thing and things I feel with. How I deal with them is one of the most common ways – eating. I also destroy my cuticles any chance I get – but that’s for the times I’m not stuffing my face. I carry a stress stone in the car and in my wallet to help with that. I also just bought myself a weighted blanket for bedtime. So far so good there. I’m falling asleep fast and love the pressure it adds.
One of the things I stumbled upon during my Google rabbit hole this morning is that when we feel stuck we often get wrapped up in figuring out why we feel stuck and how did it happen. Instead we should focus on small things that we can change to see if it makes a difference. Which I guess I started to do yesterday. I’ve been looking at my living spaces and they look like an overwhelmed person lives there. (She does BTW). So I used my day to work on that. I cleaned up the downstairs- reclaiming my spaces from the clutter. The clutter, that adds to my anxiety but I’m too depressed to do anything about. I forced myself to clean it all up. Vacuum it all and wash the floors. It was nice to see clear spaces.
However this morning when my 5am alarm went off I shut it off then crawled back in bed under that weighted blanket and stayed there until 9am. Skipping my workout and really wanting to get back into bed. I told myself that skipping the workout entirely today is not happening. So that’s why I’m doing it now.
So as I verbally vomited my blog post as I peddled through my secondary workout – I’ve decided to blog every night for the next thirty days. To see if making small manageable changes helps my garbage mindset. Can’t hurt right? I’ll start tonight with Day One – no waiting to start tomorrow. I’d love for you to follow along. Support is always welcome. Those that have been following me for a while know I haven’t tossed in the towel yet and I still don’t plan to.
Thanks for reading! Expect Day One tonight.