I am living this today. I am my own worst critic. I am my own worst enemy. I see things is such a dark light that no one else sees me in (or at least I hope not). I don’t hide the fact that I’ve battled depression and anxiety for years now. I stopped (under my doctors care) my medication about a year ago and overall things have gone ok. I have flare ups. But recently the flare ups have gotten closer together. Losing my shit over the stupidest things. Wanting to throw in the towel on my current weight loss efforts and go in search of “someone who will fix me”. Today I started calling around to nutritionists in the hopes I would find one that would magically fix me. But then the reality of the cost hit me first (it’s not in the budget right now) and then just now my husbands words resonated in my head. It all falls back on me. Every diet plan. Then I took that a step further into looking at all I do.
I hate telling people I’m a stay at home parent. I feel embarrassed. Like someone is going to look down at me for staying home. Quitting my job still continues to criple me emotionally. Instead of doing something with myself I’ve continued to pity party. I do some part time work for my husband. I became certified in Reiki. I learned to read tarot along with some other really cool shit. I need to flip my way of thinking, that it’s bad ass that I get to stay home and do amazing things. So I’m considering it a challenge to be kind to myself. Take it day by day at first. Then week to week.
I put this all out there for a few reasons. None of which are for sympathy.
1. I need to share. I need to write it down. To have a place to look back to and remind myself where I’ve been.
2. To possibly let at least one person that is feeling the same way I am that they aren’t alone.
So off I go to cook some dinner. Healthy dinner. Because I’m not giving up. Never giving up. My family wants to see me smiling and happy instead of miserable and yelling. (I yell a lot)
Thanks for reading.